Mock Script – Family Guy: Peter’s Kung Fu Adventure

Mock Script – Family Guy: Peter’s Kung Fu Adventure

“FAMILY GUY SCRIPT” – PETER’S KUNG FU ADVENTURE

SCENE 1

[The scene starts out simple, opening up with a quick shot of the outside of THE DRUNKEN CLAM. It quickly changes to the interior to a booth where PETER, QUAGMIRE, and JOE are all looking up at a television and watching the various shows and commercials coming across the screen.]

TELEVISION
And now, back to our scheduled programming of Kung Fu Panda 8: Enter the Black Dragon.

[The television shows a few brief moments of a giant panda doing some stupid antics and obviously fake kung-fu moves, flailing around all silly and cracking horrible jokes.]

JOE
[Slightly annoyed.] I can’t believe they managed to push out so many of these movies. I mean, they should have stopped after the third film.

QUAGMIRE
The series itself is mostly made for children at this point. I’m not really surprised that they’re somehow still milking money out of it. It’s probably coming from all of those kids asking their parents to let them join karate classes after seeing the films.

JOE
But the movies are clearly fake. How the hell could a parent be stupid enough to let their child take karate because they saw a panda do it?

PETER
You’re just saying that because you can’t do a jump kick since you’re stuck in a wheelchair.

JOE
[Humored, but chuckles] And you think you can with that giant gut of a stomach you have?

PETER
[Excited] Sure I can! I mean, look at the giant panda in the movie. He’s clearly bigger than me and he’s doing backflips and midair kicks no problem. And on top of that, there’s a damn tiger, couple of birds, and a monkey who all do kung fu. There’s even a snake who could fight, and she doesn’t even have any damn limbs except for a head. If some dumb animals could do it, so could I.

QUAGMIRE
Peter, I’m sorry, but I’m with Joe on this one. You’re honestly too big to even try and do any kind of martial arts. I mean, you can’t even look down and see your own toes. If you tried to do a kick, you’d probably fall faster than a boulder being pushed out the back of a plane. And besides, you’re talking about a children’s movie. Of course they can do that stuff.

PETER
[Even more excited, planning to prove QUAGMIRE and JOE wrong.] Give me a week to learn kung fu just from watching the movies and I bet I’ll be able to all of the same things they do in it. If I win, then you two need to call me ‘Master Peter-San’ for the rest of your lives. If you two win, I’ll have to shave my eyebrows and my hair until they grow back.

[JOE and QUAGMIRE look at each other and nod.]

JOE
Alright, one week. That’s all you get.

PETER
[Smirks] You guys are going to look so stupid when you see me jumping around like the true kung fu master I’m going to be. You’ll be begging me to fight your fights for you.

QUAGMIRE
You know, this actually reminds of my time during the navy.

PETER
How?

QUAGMIRE
During one of my tours at sea, we were allowed to bring a couple of items to keep us occupied during our down time. One of my crew mates bought an entire crate of Bruce Lee tapes to watch with the rest of us. One night when he was bored, he tried to recreate some of the moves from the movies.

PETE
How did that go?

QUAGMIRE
He smacked himself in the nuts with a pair of nunchucks so hard, you could literally hear one of his balls crack in half. Needless to say he was released from duty with a purple heart.

JOE
How the hell did he get a purple heart if he wasn’t injured during an actual fight with enemy forces?

QUAGMIRE
Him hitting himself in the nuts was considered ‘friendly fire’ since the pop was so loud it sounded like somebody fired a gun in the ship and he happened to be the one hit by the bullet. We couldn’t exactly tell the people back at base the truth because the guy would be a laughing stock, so we all said he got shot.

PETER
What happened to him after he was let go of duty?

QUAGMIRE
Last I’ve heard of him he joined a traveling circus and called himself ‘The Human Maraca.’ He just shakes his hips for a second and the next thing you hear is something rattling around. Had to make something good out of a bad situation, I guess.

PETER
Well regardless of that, I’m going to prove the both of you wrong and become the best kung fu master the world has ever seen. I’ll be so good they’ll start calling me Peter Lee.

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