Mock Script – Family Guy: Peter’s Kung Fu Adventure

Mock Script – Family Guy: Peter’s Kung Fu Adventure

SCENE 6

[Fast forward to early evening of the day, when the sun is just starting to set and the sky is all orange. First is a quick shot of the Quahog Hospital with a few patients and doctors walking around the first floor lobby. Shortly after, PETER and BRIAN walk through the sliding doors and down the hallway of the lobby.]

BRIAN
Let me guess, Lois made you come down to the hospital to apologize to that kid who’s nuts you kicked in, right?

PETER
Yeah.

BRIAN
It’s unfortunate that your wife had to make you face the results of your poor decisions. But in light of that, why the hell am I here with you? I have nothing to do with this.

PETER
I figured I’d bring you along for moral support and some guidance.

BRIAN
For who? You or the kid?

PETER
Well, for me first, obviously. I have to swallow my pride as a kung fu master and apologize to one of my aspiring pupils who was sadly hurt from my teachings.

BRIAN
[Stares at PETER, trying to comprehend the blatant bullshit PETER just said.] And for the kid?

PETER
Well, you got neutered, right? Maybe you can convince him that life without a sack isn’t all that bad.

BRIAN
Peter, you damaged a child so badly they were forced to have a sex change operation. I’m pretty sure their genital situation is entirely different from mine. It’s not like I was given a vagina after my surgery. And if trying to convince a kid that there’s a bright side to losing his genitals is the only reason why I’m here, then I’m leaving. [BRIAN turns around to leave the hospital.]

PETER
[Grabs BRIAN’s arm to try and stop him from walking away.] Wait, wait, wait. Brian, just hear me out. Do me this one favor, and I’ll return it. You name it, I’ll do it.

BRIAN
[Stops to think for a moment, and then accepts the offer.] Alright, fine. [Takes a look around the hospital and starts getting ideas.] Maybe being here is actually going to help me. I’ve been meaning to find some new inspiration for a story. Perhaps helping to change a child’s life will give me what I’m looking for.

[PETER and BRIAN approach the front desk receptionist and tell her that they’re here to see TYLER. She informs them which floor TYLER is on and points them in the right direction to the elevators. PETER and BRIAN make their way to the elevators and get inside an empty one, heading for the right floor.]

BRIAN
Hey, Peter. Have you seen a notebook just hanging around somewhere back at the house? I had a notebook to write down some ideas, and now I can’t find it.

PETER
You talkin’ about that dream diary of yours? Lois told me you were looking for it, but I haven’t seen it myself.

BRIAN
[Slightly annoyed.] Dream journal, and yeah, I talked to Lois about it. If you see some random notebook around the house, let me know.

PETER
Can’t you just get yourself a new notebook and start over? I mean, they were just ideas. You can always think about them later down the road.

BRIAN
I can’t just instantly remember something I saw in a dream. That journal was what I used in order to make sure those dreams became memories for later. I can’t just buy a new notebook and start fresh. When I went to sleep, I open a doorway to another dimension, a dimension where my ideas were allowed to roam free and wild, and I would pick the ones that I liked the most and write them down for another time.

PETER
Wow. You sound like those fake aspiring authors who sit inside a Starbucks just to use the free Wifi to write their latest young adult novel series.

BRIAN
Fuck you.

[When PETER and BRIAN reach the floor they need, they step out the elevator and walk around the hallway for a bit until they can find the room they’re looking for. The door is closed, so PETER knocks on it first. A couple seconds later, a female DOCTOR opens the door and steps out.]

DOCTOR
[Notices PETER and BRIAN.] Can I help the two of you?

PETER
Yes, we’re here to see Tyler. Is he awake?

DOCTOR
Tylina recently got out of surgery an hour ago and is finally starting to wake up, so she may still be a bit under the effects of the anesthesia. Can I ask who you two are?

PETER
[Openly admits who he is.] You see, I’m actually the one who kic–

BRIAN
[Nudges PETER on his leg to keep him quiet.] We’re two writers from a local paper, and we’re hoping to have a quick discussion with Tylina about her transition from male to female. I’m sure it must be a difficult time to deal with everything, especially against their own control, so we were hoping to let her vent and tell her story to the world.

DOCTOR
[Takes a long look at PETER and BRIAN to see what they’re up to, but then lets out a sigh of relief.] That’s good to hear. Finally some kind of reporter who’s here to talk about Tylina herself instead of trying to become the latest breaking news story. Go on inside, just try not to make too much noise.

BRIAN
Thank you, doctor.

[The DOCTOR steps aside and walks off while PETER and BRIAN head into the hospital room, closing the door behind them. The room is the standard size of a hospital patient’s room, consisting of the bed, bedside table, a toilet bathroom, and the hanging television on the ceiling. The curtains around the bed are pulled closed. PETER and BRIAN look at each other one more time before doing anything.]

PETER
Uh, hello?

TYLER
Who’s there?

[PETER suddenly pulls the curtains back, allowing PETER, BRIAN and TYLER to all see each other. As soon as TYLER sees PETER’s face, his eyes open wide with surprise.]

TYLER
Mr. Kung Fu Master!

PETER
Shhhh! Keep it down, kid. I don’t want people to know I’m here.

TYLER
[Squints at PETER and folds his arms.] What are you doing here? You hear to do more fake “kung fu” moves on me again?

BRIAN
Wow, Peter. Even a seven-year-old knows how much of a fraud you are.

PETER
[Stays adamant that he’s a kung fu master for a moment.] First off, the move I wanted to do was a real move. The mat was just slippery and it made me mess up.

TYLER
[Looks away.] Whatever.

PETER
[Becomes sincere and apologetic.] Listen, Tyler. I came here to say that I’m sorry for what happened to you. I didn’t mean to hurt you.

[TYLER doesn’t face PETER for a moment, but then starts to open up more. TYLER turns back around to pay attention to PETER as he continues to talk.]

PETER
I’m really sorry for kicking you the way I did. That honestly wasn’t part of the plan. I was just trying to show you and your friends some cool moves that I’ve mastered after becoming a real kung fu master.

BRIAN
You’re not a real master. You just think you are because you binge-watched all of the Kung Fu Panda movies in one day and started wearing a Bruce Lee knockoff jumpsuit.

PETER
Shut up, Brian!

TYLER
Can I ask you something, Mister?

PETER
Sure, kid.

PETER
Do you really know kung fu?

PETER
[Walks over to TYLER’s bedside and leans down on one knee, getting eye level with him, and puts on a serious tone.] Yes. But even if I am a master, I am always learning and improving, just like a student.

BRIAN
Oh my God!

TYLER
[Fully convinced by PETER’s words, and smiles at him.] Thank you for coming to visit me. Maybe when I’m all better, you could try and teach me something easy.

PETER
Sure. And I’ll make sure to use no-slip mats next time. [Pats TYLER on the shoulder and gets back up.] Get well, kid. Come on, Brian, let’s go.

[Finished up with talking to TYLER, PETER and BRIAN turn around to leave the hospital room. Right before they open the door, PETER turns around to ask one more question.]

PETER
Hey, so now that you’re a girl, does that mean you can have kids?

TYLER
[Genuinely confused.] Huh?

PETER
Nevermind, it’s nothing.

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