Tag: Comedy

Out of Sight

“Wait wait wait. Hang on, don’t move.”

Today, I’m helping out with cleaning around the house; Samantha actually said she needed my help with it. She wants to clean around and underneath all of the furniture we have around the house, so she wants me to move things around while she does her thing. I swear, I’m going to feel sore in the morning after all this.

We’re starting in the living room first, so I have to move the couch and table off of the carpet. I prepare myself by pulling my hair back into a small ponytail and doing a few stretches. As limber and flexible as I am, I can hear a few bones crack and loosen up. I take a deep breath and put my hands on my hip, letting the refreshing feeling run through my body for a minute.

“Man, I needed that,” I say out loud. I move my head around to make some tension in my neck go away; a loud, nasty cracking sound rings through the living room. I laugh a bit at how much sound my body makes as I reach down to get a grip of the bottom of the couch “I swear, I’m like a walking skeleton if I sound like this.”

“That’s gross!”

I stand back up at the sudden outburst and look towards the other end of the couch; Samantha has a disgusted look stuck on her face.

Confused, I ask her, “What’s wrong?”

She points directly at me and wiggles her finger, “You! You cracking all over there! Ms, uh, Ms Skeleton!”

I raise my eyebrow and cross my arms at her statement, a smug look on my face, “Jealous?”

“I have no reason to be jealous about my bones not being able to crack.”

“Uh huh.” I let out a small chuckle and reach for the bottom of the couch again, “Okay, be careful because this is a bit heavy. Lift on three, move on five, and bring it down on eight.”

“Okay.”

Readjusting my grip, I start the count; the couch comes up easy and we manage to move it from its spot, putting it down on the sparkling, wood floor underneath the carpet. The entire time, I can hear the cute sound of Samantha struggling. As soon as we put the couch back down, she jumps onto the couch and lays down, starting her chain of complaining.

“Lifting that thing was such a workout! I think I’m done lifting for the rest of the week.”

I lean forward on the arm rest, so I’ve hovering just a bit over Samantha’s face, “It’s only Sunday and you’re already saying that?”

Samantha reaches up and takes off my black-rim glasses as she speaks, “Yup. I know I’m not lifting anymore this week.”

Normally, I get really angry when people try to take my glasses off my face without asking be, but I can let her get away with it. Sam’s blushing face is now a simple blur to me; everything’s pretty blurry now actually. From what I’m able to make out, Samantha puts on the glasses and starts looking around.

“Your eyesight sucks. Everything’s all discombobulated and shifted when I put these on,” she points out. She then sits up and looks directly at me, “Do I look cute with glasses on?”

The obvious answer is ‘Yes’ just to make her happy, but I decided to be realistic, “I can’t tell if you’re cute. I can’t see.”
I can’t tell, but I have a feeling that she has her cheeks puffed up, “Jerk. Just for that, you’re not gonna get these back until I’m done cleaning the carpet.”

I laugh and try to pat her on the head; I pat her shoulder, “Be careful with my glasses.”

“I’m the most careful person in the world.”

Just the other day she managed to somehow trip on nothing and landed face first into the couch. With that in mind, I decide to give her another chance and let her walk around blind with my glasses on her face. Following the thin silhouette of her body, I try to keep an eye on her, watching her keep her hands out in front of her as she tries to walk around the house. She’s making small huffs and puffs under her breath, her voice trembling a bit like she’s afraid of something.

She manages to find her way along one of the walls and into the kitchen. Now, the only thing left is to get some of the cleaning supplies from under the sink so she can get out any stains on the carpet. I crawl over the arm rest of the couch and lay down to pass the time.

Maybe she’s starting to get adjusted to the glasses.

I start to have a bit more faith in Samantha. I think that maybe she’s actually being considerate at the fact that she’s wearing my glasses. She is the caring ty–

Mid-sentence, I can hear somebody’s foot skidding across the floor and then falling flat onto the ground like a big SPLAT.

“OWWW!”

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. All of that faith and hope I had is now escaping my body.

“D-Don’t worry, Alexis! I’m oka– whoops.”

… I’m not even going to ask what happened. With the series of events that just unfolded and the way this girl is, I already know what happened, so I’m just going to say it, “You’re gonna pay for my next pair of glasses.”

— via Daily Prompt: Careful Careful

Skating in the Kitchen

It’s finally the weekend; time for me to be as lazy as I want and just lay around on this couch. I yawn loud, my mouth cracking a bit, and stretch out all cross the couch, letting my arms hang off of the sides. I close my eyes and let myself relax, but it quickly comes to an end when I hear a loud beeping going off in the kitchen. I open my eyes half way and stare at the ceiling.

“I forgot Sam was doing laundry.”

I let out a sigh and sit up, looking over the back of the couch. Every weekend, Samantha likes to take some extra time out of the day and do a deep cleaning of the house. She hits every nook, every sharp corner, and all of the far off places she doesn’t usually do during the week. I know Sam’s dream is to be the perfect housewife, but every time I see her trying really hard to keep the house clean, I feel a bit bad that I’m not helping out.

I sit up and look at Sam in the kitchen and notice she’s mopping. I decide to ask her, “Hey, you want me to help you today?”

Samantha quickly look up from her mopping; she has this funny thing where she shakes her hips around when she mops. She spins on the handle of the mop and turns to look at me, “Don’t worry about it.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want you to feel like you’re always doing everything.”

I enjoy my downtime, but I don’t like when I feel like I’m useless at time. But when I see Samantha smiling after I said that, I can feel a faint warmth coming from her. She may act like a brat, she may fuss like a kid at times, and she may get on my nerves, but she never means anything bad by it.

With her smile wide on her face, Samantha answers again, “Really, I can do it. I like when I see you taking it easy. It shows I’m doing something right.”

She rests the mop against the counter and slowly walks to me on the couch, the sound of her feet splashing in small puddles reaching my ears. She presses her hands on my cheeks and looks at me directly in my eyes before planting a soft kiss on my forehead. I can’t see my face, but I’m pretty sure I’m blushing red like a tomato.

I swear, if her sweetness could kill, I’d be in constant danger.

“So just relax and watch TV while I finish up here,” she whispers to me. She turns around and skips back to where she placed the mop, “Besides, the fun part is about to happen.”

I want to answer her, but my body is too paralyzed by her; all I can do is nod and lay back down.

I take a deep breath and reach for the remote on the coffee table in front of me, turn on the TV to pass the time. I just lay there and let myself get sucked into the flashing screen, knowing Samantha is capable of doing everything.

A few minutes into me being lazy, I can hear Samantha giving small groans and grunts, “You need help?”

“No, I got it.”

I shrug and keep looking at the TV. Just a few seconds later, a massive splashing sound can be hear in the kitchen. Part of me is starting to get worried, but I don’t want to bother Samantha too much, especially since she’s not asking for help, so I ignore everything.

Brushes scratching against the floor follows the splashing; she must have brought out one of the hard bristle brushes from the closet. Samantha starts laughing for some reason. Hearing her laughter is starting to make me chuckle, so I want to get a look at what’s so funny to her.

I sit up one more time to get a peek, “What’s so fun–”

I stop mid-sentence at what I’m witnessing. The entire kitchen floor is covered in water; it’s slowly reaching out into the living room. With two small broom brushes tied to her feet and her arms folded behind her back, Samantha has somehow found a way to skate across the water. Easily gliding back and forth and all around our kitchen without a care in the world, she doesn’t even notice that I’m watching her. However, even though I should be confused at what I’m seeing, her movements just keep me trapped and left for words.

Her movements flow elegantly and with precise timing and precision, stringing together simple ballet stances and moves. Her hair blows out from behind her, dancing on its own in the gentle breeze she makes from skating. The water beneath her feet waves around her as if she’s controlling it; it splashes around and add an aquatic touch to her performance. She managed to make the kitchen her own personal stage for the time being, and I’m getting a personal show.

Awe-struck and my jaw agape, I watch on. Her performance coming to a end, Samantha end with a final pirouette, landing in a finishing bow. A moment of silence washes over the entire house, but not for long.

I go into a wild cheer and start clapping, “Yeah, Samantha! Woo! You got moves!”

I can tell that my sudden outburst caught her off guard; she quickly looks up at me and her entire face flushes red, her voice trembling with fright, “Y-Y-Y-Y-You saw m-me?!”

“Well, yeah. I am on the couch after all.”

Samantha cover her face and squeals a bit, “I can’t believe you saw me! I can’t believe you saw me! I can’t believe you saw me!”

I lean forward on the couch as I look at her, “Is that a bad thing?”

“I get stage fright!”

“But it’s only me here.”

“That’s even worse! It’s embarrassing when you watch me do things!”

I chuckle a bit, keeping my eyes on Samantha. Who knew somebody who’s so easily embarrassed would have the graceful moves of a professional performer?

 

— via Daily Prompt: Graceful Graceful

You’re Not Sick

“Achoooo! Well, it looks like you need to say home and take care of me!”

Samantha lays in bed, buried deep underneath the blanket. She has the blanket pulled all the way up to her face, showing only half of her face. Strangely enough, seeing her like this makes me realize how big her forehead is; I could probably use it as a mirror if it was able to be waxed and shined.

I just told her about how I have a big meeting late in the afternoon tomorrow, which means I’ll most likely have to spend some extra time at the office. Every once in a while, my superiors like to invite me to their monthly briefings as an outside opinion on certain topics, so honestly, I can’t exactly say no since it’s my bosses. But it does make the paycheck look nice when it comes around to the pay period ending.

And every time I tell Sam that I need to say a bit later than normal, she always puts up a fuss. Last time, she said I was abandoning her like a mother bird pushing their young out the nest to make them fly. I swear, she’s so dramatic on purpose just to get her way. But it’s cute when she gets all childish, so I deal with it.

Looking at her hiding in the bed, I cross my arms and instinctively begin tapping my foot on the floor, giving her a stern look, “So, you’d rather have me miss an entire day of work just so you don’t have to spend an extra hour by yourself?”

Sam quickly nods her head and get more comfortable under the blanket, “Yup– Wait! I mean, n-no!” Quickly pulling back her statement, she lets out an obvious fake sneeze and rubs her nose, “I’m sick!”

She’s playing that card, huh?

I close my eyes and take a deep breath, getting ready for the onslaught of stupid acting that’s about to happen. She’s going for the “I’m sick” facade. This never ends on a good note.

Confused by what I’m doing, Samantha asks me, “What are you doing?”

I simply shake my head and open my eyes, “Nothing. Just taking a breather. Okay, so why are you sick? Feeling warm or somethin’?”

Without a moment to waste, Samantha shakes her head and pats her forehead, “I think I have a fever.”

I decide to play along, “Well, thinking isn’t a definite answer. Let me come check.”

I get on the bed and crawl from the foot of it all the way to where Samantha’s resting her head. I lean in a bit and press my forehead on hers, making it easy for me to tell whether or not she really has one or not.

She rolls her eyes up at me and blurts out, “If you’re trying to kiss me, my mouth isn’t on my forehead.”

I playfully pluck her on the nose as I back away from checking her forehead, “I don’t kiss a sick person. And you don’t feel hot, so you must not have a fever.”

Samantha rubs the tip of her nose, where I plucked, and tries to give another excuse, “I-It’s my stomach. I think I ate something bad.”

“Well, the last few things we ate were made by you and I’m feeling fine. Are you saying your cooking is bad?”

After that remark, Samantha quickly shoots up from laying down to defend her skills as a home chef and yells, “Hell no! My food is top tier; even master chefs would beg for my cooking recipes!”

Well, if she reacted like that, then she’s obviously fine. I’ll give her one last chance to see if she’ll come clean.

I’m assuming she remembered that she’s suppose to be sick, so Samantha quickly lays back down and hides herself under the blanket, giving an attempted at a fake cough, “I have a sore throat.”

I push off of the bed back onto my feet and just stand at her bedside looking at her, “Then make some hot tea with lemon and honey.”

Whimpering and kicking her feet, Samantha tries to plea for an alternative, “But I want you to make it! Your tea is better than mine!”

“It’s just dropping a tea packet in a cup of hot water!”

“But I know that when you make it, it’s made with love and honey…”

Somehow, I can feel my face just swell red with a blush of embarrassment from her sappy lines. I cross my arms and look away, trying to avoid making eye contact, “S-Shut up!”

Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Samantha giggling and sticking her tongue out a bit with a simple wink. I finally push forward and decide this needs to end, “You’re not sick, so just drop it.”

Samantha quick gets on her knees and wraps herself in the blanket like a cloak, biting on it a bit to show her frustration, “But I’m lovesick!”

I let out an exasperated sigh and shake my head, “You’re acting like I’m not coming back. You’re not sick, I’m going to that meeting, and you’ll be fine. Okay?”

Samantha crosses her arms and lets out a huff, puffing up her cheeks afterward, “Fine. But can I ask something?”

“What?”

“Since I’m not sick, can you give me a kiss?”

“No.”

Ending it on that note, I slowly turn around and head out of our bedroom. As I’m leaving, I can hear Samantha whimpering and whining about not getting a kiss. I shake my head and a small smile comes on my face, “Such a spoiled brat.”

via Daily Prompt: Facade Facade

Senran Kagura: Ninja Mishaps – Milk & Mixtures

The structure of the cave hideout is letting a cool breeze flow through it, filling every section and room with a relaxing air. The coolest area being the main gathering area where most of the furniture and belongings are, such as the flat screen television and public computer area along one wall, and assorted cabinets and shelves along the opposite wall. The hideout is quiet, so the air is making a gentle whistling sound. It’s mostly empty, except for one person.

Wearing her usual uniform, a yellow sweater with a black camisole underneath and a bright pink tight skirt with a matching ribbon in her hair and a purple belt and dark leggins, Homura’s Crimson Squad member Haruka sits at her desk; the desk is covered in test tubes and beakers of different shapes and sizes, most of them with liquids of various colors. Legs crossed and stuck in a long ponder, Haruka meticulously looks at all of her different mixtures and concoctions, trying to sort out the newest from the oldest. She gently takes out one tube from its holder and shakes it a bit.

“This one is for increasing body mass. Homura wanted to try and get a bit stronger, but it didn’t exactly work out that way.”

She puts the tube back down and pick up another tube to examine.

“You’re the one that puts people to sleep and forces them to have nightmares.”

As she’s holding it, a nostalgic feeling washes over her Haruka’s body, making her let out a relaxed and joyful laugh.

“Watching Yomi’s face while she slept was just amazing!”

With a small smile on her face, she places the tube back in its holder and rolls back in her seat, overlooking the entire desk. Months of experiments and testing has resulted in a large amount of different substances that all serve a purpose in one way or another, whether it’s something minor as curing an ailment, to complex situations like a sudden urge to make somebody dance.

Haruka crosses her arms and turns around to walk away, but comes to a stop, making her heeled shoes clack against the paved ground; an echo rings through the hideout. She stands still for a moment before turning back around to face the desk. Her eyes lock on to a specific beaker at the edge of the desk. She walks over to it and gently picks it up by the rim, slowly stirring it around.

The beaker is barely empty, having just enough of a dark blue liquid to fill a small drinking glass. As Haruka’s holding it, she tilts her head and squints her eyes, trying to remember exactly what’s inside the beaker.

“What are you? I know every single thing on this desk like the back of my hand, but I don’t have the slightest idea of what you are.”

Haruka holds the beaker above her head into the light, so she can look at it from the bottom; the liquid isn’t that thick, so she can easily see through it.